Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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