Screwed.edu
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
