clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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