Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just pee around me
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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