It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
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You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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