Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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