went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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