he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
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I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
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McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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