An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
