I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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