An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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