good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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