just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
