I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
