oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
