how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
