I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i think i just lost a toe
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
