He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
