Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
