last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"