just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
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I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
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I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.