So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
