I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
