he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
