There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Duck Duck Cougar?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
