Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
