I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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