my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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