the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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