I need to stop coming to work sober
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
