You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
