laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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