The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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