her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
