My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
sex in a hospital.. check
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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