If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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