burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
