Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
