i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
