Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
