If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
