dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
