i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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