I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
