I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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