I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
