You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
