FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
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All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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