I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
