i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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