This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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