I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
