if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
