I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
