Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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