i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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