she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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