He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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