I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
