I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
