A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
