Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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