Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

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(210): View more from Texas

i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue

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(+39): View more from

my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(530): View more from California

He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"

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(703): View more from Virginia

We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair

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(847): View more from Illinois

well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car

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