Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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